i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
