so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize