she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
