This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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