Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
