Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
