you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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