dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
