hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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