Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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