I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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