I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
