weddingsv make me drug and hornr
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
