how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
