The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
