I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
