i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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