At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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