Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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