I think my fart just growled at me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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