1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
