Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
