My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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