i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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