I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
