he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
