i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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