i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
