I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
