you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
