Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
