I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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