just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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