it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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