awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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