and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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