Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
