Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
