Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
