just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just want to make out with him forever
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
