Me too!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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