she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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