i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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