I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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