So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
