So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
