So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i've created a new STD.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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