I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
