new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
