god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You pole danced in your parka.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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