A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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