We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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