meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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