She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
