Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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