I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize