You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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