my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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