Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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