Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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