ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When are your genitals available?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
